Dear Tiffani,

My best feline friend “Jasper” passed away recently and I am surprised at how painful it is. Jasper had been with me for 11 years and was always there for me through the tough times. He never complained and always greeted me joyously when I came home. I miss him terribly. Some of my friends are expressing their condolences, but a few others are basically telling me to get over it; he was just a cat. I have lost sleep, my appetite, and I don’t really feel much like doing anything. Is it normal to feel so sad?

Signed, Sad and Confused

Dear Sad,

Dealing with the loss of a companion animal can be a very difficult experience. It’s neither silly nor overly sentimental to grieve for him. When a human passes away, grieving is the expected response and is supported by friends, family, and society at large. Unfortunately, this is not always the case when a faithful animal passes. Because Jasper was an animal, not a person, it is more difficult to sort out what you are “supposed” to do and feel. The relationship we have with our pets is different than any relationship we have with people; and often runs deeper than we are aware of. Animals provide companionship, acceptance, emotional support, and unconditional love during their time with us. When you examine the complexity of the bond between you and your pet, it is no wonder you are feeling great loss. Giving yourself permission to grieve is the first step towards coping with Jasper’s loss.  

There will be an empty place in your household and your life for a while, and at first that void may feel huge. The ache of Jasper’s absence is not something overcome by simply ignoring it in the hopes it will go away. Working through the pain, rather than trying to avoid it, is the only way to come out healthily the other side. It sounds like you are experiencing perfectly normal emotions and symptoms. Grieving is a very individual process and can last anywhere from a week to years, with the grief often arriving in unexpected waves rather than predictable increments. The process does typically begin with denial of the tragedy as a self-protection, and can be followed by anger, guilt, and sadness. It is not uncommon to become withdrawn or depressed initially, but if this state continues, you may want to get help as this is a difficult place to self project out of. 

In addition to just letting yourself feel the emotions coming up for you without judging them, there are proactive ways to cope with your loss and move you closer to the day when memories of Jasper bring smiles instead of tears. While grief is a very personal experience, there are many forms of support available and you need not face it alone. You may want to pursue pet bereavement counseling services, pet-loss support hotlines, or the great variety of information available on the internet, in books, videos, and magazine articles. Don’t hesitate to call up a friend or family member who will lend a sympathetic ear. Often, just talking with someone about your feelings can relieve some of the emotional turmoil. It may be helpful to write about your feelings in a journal, a poem, or in a letter to Jasper. Having a memorial for your pet can be another beneficial process. Whether you bury an animal, scatter their ashes, or neither; a ceremony can help with closure. Here at The Stafford Animal Shelter, we often receive memorial gifts in honor of a beloved pet (or pet lover) and they are permanently honored on our memorial board. We also have future plans for a memorial garden as a healing place of remembrance. Memorial benches, paw print plaques, specially framed photos, or a shrine shadow box with a photo, collar, and favorite toys are other ways to memorialize your pet. One of the most difficult parts of dealing with a death is the sense of helplessness, so finding proactive things to do can be a big help. 

Another side-affect of a pet’s death is that any other pets in the household will grieve as well, especially if there was a strong bond between them. Even if the pets were not the best of friends, you may notice a loss of appetite or some new behaviors in response to the loss. The dynamics in a house will change once one member is gone. The best thing to do is to give the remaining pets lots of attention and try to keep their routine are normalized as possible. 

While Jasper can never be replaced, thinking about getting another pet may come up. When, or if, someone is ready for this next step is as individual a process as grieving. It may be a comforting thought, or a heartbreaking one at this stage. You’ll  know when the time is right; just pay close attention to your feelings. There are always pets waiting patiently at Shelters to be adopted.

My sympathies are with you and feel free let others know that what you are feeling is absolutely normal. Be proud and grateful to have had such a close friend who meant so much to you.

Sincerely, Tiffani

Tiffani Zimmerman is the Behavior Specialist at the Stafford Animal Shelter, Humane Society of Park County. Email questions to her at behavioradvice@imt.net or call 222-1312.